


single player edition

by ardett



Series: lose lose [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, COVID-19, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Isolation, Medication, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Quarantine, Sort Of, Touch-Starved, Unus Annus, eh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:27:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23449270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardett/pseuds/ardett
Summary: Social distancing starts to feel like emotional distancing and Ethan finds it harder to hold on to what matters to him.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach & Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Series: lose lose [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1728934
Comments: 25
Kudos: 496





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hope everyone is staying safe and healthy out there in #quanrantannus
> 
> Based off [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDRma-3YGkM&t=66s) (and if the link doesn't work, you know what happened)

225:00:00:00

“How boring is it over there in isolation for you?”

“It’s bad, dude, it’s bad.” Ethan’s voice strains with his laugh. Beneath the view of the camera, his nails dig into his hip. He tries not to sound too honest.

“I know. Feeling a little stir-crazy yet? A little pent-up, even? No one to keep you warm at night?” Mark jokes, waggling an eyebrow. 

“Shut up, man!” Ethan giggles. “Just because you get to live with your girlfriend all cute and whatever, doesn’t mean you have to rub it in! Some of us like our independence. Our— our American freedom independence, um, eagles and— Okay, I’m gonna stop now.”

“Yeah, you should stop.” Mark struggles to get the smile off his face as he asks, “But seriously, how are you?”

“It’s…” Ethan’s gaze drifts off camera before he blinks and his eyes swing back. His hand twitches on his mouse. “It’s fine. Yeah, it’s fine. Don’t you worry, Markimoo,” he coos at the end. His mouth parts like he’s about to say something else. “Well it’s… hm, yeah.” 

“It’s…?” Mark tilts his head towards the camera, waiting.

It’s only been a couple days so far but it feels longer. Ethan scans the room behind Mark, all lit up with the fluorescents, foam squares on the walls. A sharp sense of longing tugs at him. He wants to be there, with Mark, filming like nothing’s wrong. Everything feels wrong.

He shouldn’t say that though.

Ethan hesitates a second longer before the words rush from him, faster than before. “It’s not that different, really, right? I always work from home. I’m always here and more people are watching cause they’re all stuck at home. And I’m walking Spencer and getting groceries. I shouldn't feel… whatever. It’s all so fucking weird.”

“Have you been hanging out with Kathryn?” A touch of concern leaks into Mark’s voice.

“We… I mean… Why?” Ethan asks. The confused lilt to his words is genuine.

“Because she's the only person quarantined with you.” Ethan can hear Mark getting more serious. 

The room feels like it’s getting hotter. Is it? Why is he so nervous?

“I— I know that. I— I know,” Ethan stutters through his protests. “I’ve got Spencer though! I think you forgot about him—”

“Ethan.” Mark cuts him off. Ethan can’t tell if he looks disappointed through the monitor. It makes him feel small. And stupid. And alone. “Come on, you know what I mean. Real people,” Mark continues. “I just wanted to check in. I know you’re a social person. I’m the same way and I’m so grateful to have Amy with me right now. And I know we film for the channel but is it enough? Are you getting enough… interaction, I guess?”

Ethan looks at his keyboard. “Mark, I’m fine. Really—”

“Have you been hanging out with Kathryn?” Mark asks again. The question is a little firmer this time, a little more insistent.

Ethan ducks his head down. “No. Well, yes. But…” He swallows. “Not enough. But Mark, you don’t get it!” He glances up, eyes flaring. “She’s busy all day. She’s working from home, you know, like everyone else, so she can’t— and I get it, okay? Shouldn’t this be making me more productive anyway? Right? I could be working all day, no interruptions, but instead I’m just… moping around or whatever. I don’t even know what I want!”

“Eth—”

“And it’s so fucking dark in this room. Have you ever noticed that before? How dark we make the recording rooms?” Ethan’s hands come up to tangle in his hair. “I think it’s starting to mess with my head. I feel weird and I’ve been going to bed super early a-and— I think I just need Kathryn a lot more than she needs me.” He gets quieter. “I miss Mika. I miss seeing people.” His voice drops even lower. “I just… feel really weird. And, um, fluttery? Like my heart is pounding. All the time.” He’s not even sure if the mic picks up his next words. He can barely hear himself. “I don’t know how much longer I can take this.”

“Ethan…” Ethan can hear the worry in Mark’s voice. It just makes him feel worse. “Are you okay? I can come over. I can come right now. I can be there in 20 minutes.”

Ethan shakes his head and doesn’t look up. “No, no. It’s safer at home, remember? You can’t— no, you shouldn’t come.”

“I’m gonna text Kathryn to check on you. She cares about you, man. She’ll make the time—”

Ethan slams a hand on his desk. “I don’t want her to make the time, Mark! Not because you’re telling her to! If she wants to do it, she will. If she doesn’t, it’s fine. I’m gonna be fine.” Ethan blinks as his hand aches. The burst of anger rushes out of him as quickly as it came.

It’s kind of funny how that works. He could never stay angry but somehow he can never shake off the hollow, empty loneliness it leaves behind.

“It just reminds me of…” The honesty chokes him for a second. He’s not sure he wants to say it again. He’s not sure he can. Not out loud. “I told you about my brother, right?”

“What about him?” Mark’s words are careful, wary.

“He— wait, did I not tell you this?”

“Well what is it?”

Ethan looks at Mark’s face, open and curious and concerned. He thought Mark knew. They’ve been friends for a while now but Ethan forgets that he’s only ever told a few people. It was too close to home for most of his life and then it never came up.

Ethan wavers. He feels the sting of his teeth digging into his lip but it’s a dull kind of pain. “I think you would remember… Nevermind, it’s not super important. I’m just fucking… sad.” Ethan winces. That last word came out heavier than he meant it to.

Mark’s brow furrows. “I don’t want to lie to you, man. You’re kind of freaking me out.”

“What? No, no, don’t freak out. It’s fine,” Ethan tries to reassure him. 

He hates this. He hates seeing Mark like this, usually so sure of himself and what to do and now looking so worried and uncertain. And it’s all Ethan’s fault. 

“I’ll tell you, if you want. So you can see it’s not a big deal. Me and my brother used to share a room, right? Then he was hospitalized for a couple weeks and I was just all by myself. So being here and not with my family and not with anyone else and Kathryn not super wanting to be around me or whatever, just reminded me of it. It just.. It sucked. And I sound so cringy and dumb. Because I know you’re gonna say you are but right now you really can’t be so—”

“I’m what?” Mark breaks into Ethan’s rambling.

“There for me. Here for me. Whatever. It feels like no one can be here for me. So I… I just have to figure it out on my own.” Ethan takes a deep breath and drags his gaze back to the screen, back to Mark.

It’s pixelated through their video chat but he thinks he sees Mark swallow thickly.

Ethan knows Mark’s staring at him, trying to figure him out, but the intensity of it is muted through the screen. There’s no way to look at the other person and make eye contact at the same time. Ethan guesses he should be thankful for that.

“I know I can’t actually be there with you.” Mark’s face softens. “But you don’t have to do this alone. We’re… we’re all in this thing together. We’re gonna make it through.”

“I know… I know. But when? I just…” Ethan tries to calm his breaths when he feels them start to get shorter, shallower, faster. “I hate not knowing. I hate not being able to go out. I hate people being afraid to go near each other. What if things don’t go back to normal? What if it finally passes and we’re still in this weird isolation— isolation cell thing and we all hole up in our homes and don’t let anyone touch us and don’t touch anyone else and we don’t meet anyone new and we just stay stuck here! What— What if— I can’t— I’ll be right back.”

Ethan rips the headphones off his head and stands up, starting to pace. The room is too small. Stuffy. Claustrophobic. He needs air. His skin feels like it’s hot and tingling. He can’t be in here anymore.

He takes the stairs two at a time up to the first floor.

“Spen—” His voice cracks. He coughs and tries again. “Spencer! Come!”

Ethan hears the jingle of Spencer’s collar. Something in his chest immediately loosens as Spencer comes into view. It’s almost involuntary, the way his legs give out beneath him as he falls to his knees. He wraps Spencer up in his arms, burying his face in his fur. Spencer lets him, licking at his ear, before giving a whine.

“I know, buddy, I know. Wanna go outside?” 

Ethan opens the backdoor and Spencer bounds out. Ethan takes a couple shaky steps after him. He hides his hands in his sleeves so he doesn’t have to see them tremble. He sits in the grass while Spencer runs. A smile pulls at the corner of his mouth as he watches him play. He slumps back to lay down.

The sky is clear and blue, wide above him.

Inhale. Exhale. In. Out.

“Ethan?”

His eyes flicker open. The sky is still there.

“Hey, Kathryn.”

She stands just outside of his field of view.

“How are you feeling?” she asks. Ethan shrugs. “Look, Mark called me. He was pretty worried.”

“I’m gonna call him back. In a bit.” The guilt swarms back into his stomach. “Sorry. I didn’t want to bother you. You— you really didn’t have to come out to get me.”

“I wanted to. I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I… I don’t want you to feel like it’s your responsibility. To… to take care of me. I’ll be fine. I really will.”

“I know you will. But you don’t have to be just fine. And you don’t have to do it alone.” Ethan tilts his head back, finally looking at Kathryn. She smiles. “Dinner tonight? I’ll show you how to make that pasta you like.”

“Yeah, for sure.”

“Can I sit with you?”

Ethan rolls over to properly see her. Her phone is still in her hand, email notifications coming through. “Are you working? You don’t have to stay.”

“I was but I can do it later.” Kathryn moves to sit but Ethan waves her away.

“No, no, you should finish! I’m with Spencer. I really… I really just needed to get out for a second.” He sees her hesitate. “It’s okay, Kathryn, really. And… And we’ll still do dinner tonight, right?” His voice is maybe too eager but he can’t help it.

“Of course. Come get me if you need anything then, okay? Actually come get me, don’t just say you will.” Ethan laughs and nods. Kathryn turns and says over her shoulder, “And call Mark back.”

Ethan watches her go but it doesn’t feel quite as painful as before. He gives himself another minute before levering himself off the ground.

“Spence! Come back inside!” He holds the door open and then follows Spencer in. He pats him on the head one more time before going back into the basement.

The video chat is pulled up on his computer screen. Mark is still standing there but he’s turned away from the camera. He’s staring at his phone. Amy is next to him, a hand on his forearm.

Ethan slips his headphones back on. He catches the end of Mark’s sentence.

“—said he’s okay but should I go check on him?”

“Hey,” Ethan breaks in.

Mark whips around. He leans closer to the screen, like he wants to check Ethan for injuries. “Ethan, are you okay? You just left and it seemed like you were maybe having a panic attack. I called Kathryn. I know you didn’t want me to but I felt like I had to—”

“Sorry, yeah, I didn’t think about that. I just… yeah, sorry to make you worry.” Ethan glances over at his phone. Multiple missed calls from Mark and Amy. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Amy squeeze Mark’s hand as she leaves.

“You don’t have to apologize, man,” Mark says.

“Yeah but I… It was still kind of shitty of me to do that. I took Spencer outside. I needed some fresh air.”

“No, I get it. I’m glad you— Well, I hope you’re feeling a little better.” Mark pauses. A muscle in his jaw tightens. “Can I ask you something?”

Ethan tries to swallow his nerves. “Um, yeah. Sure.”

“Are you taking your meds?”

Ethan blinks, a little surprised Mark thought to ask. “I… I am. Yeah, I’m still taking them. They’re not doing a ton right now but I, uh, I think it’s because it’s not brain stuff. Like, it’s not just in my head. There’s really something wrong so it can’t— I mean, my anti-depressants can’t cure COVID-19.”

Mark gives a short laugh. The tenseness of the moment breaks. “Yeah, that makes sense. Because it’s situational instead of mental, right?”

“Yeah. I’m sure they’re not not helping. They’re just not… helping,” Ethan finishes with a grimace. They lapse back into silence.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Mark says suddenly. “It might not be right now but it’s going to be okay.”

Ethan nods, looking off to the side of the monitor. He wonders if Mark is sick of this conversation by now. If he’s tired of hearing about Ethan’s problems.

“It’s going to be okay,” Mark repeats louder.

“I know.”

“It’s going to be okay.”

“Mark, I know.”

“It’s going—”

“Mark, I get it! I know!” Ethan huffs, and he doesn’t know why but his huff turns into a laugh. He tries to catch his breath but it just makes him laugh harder. “Why— Why do you keep saying— oh my god, you really just can’t shut up, can you?” Ethan covers his face, groaning as he finally gets in a deep inhale. “Oh my god. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

He peeks through his fingers to see Mark smiling. It’s a gentle, real kind of smile, not for a bit or for the camera or for a joke. An honest smile. One reserved for people who care about one another.

“You’re going to be okay,” Mark says. “And I’m here for you.”

A lump grows in Ethan’s throat. His eyes start to sting.

“I know.”


	2. Chapter 2

00:00:00:00


End file.
